Birthdays can look a bit different for kids who are Autistic. Some can be like your “typical” birthday party but some will never have that. Like for most things Cole and Ryan are very different for their birthdays.
Cole always had a big party, lots of friends from his class and family. Always told us what he wanted, what theme, where he wanted to have it, etc. He loved having lots of friends around, loved playing games, opening presents and having cake.
Every year he’s had a party and still wants to even though he’s turning 13 this year.
Ryan on the other hand hasn’t really had a big birthday party.
Not because we haven’t wanted to but because it would be too much for him. We didn’t want him to act out and have other kids stare at him, wondering why he was crying or hitting. And he wouldn’t play with the other kids so we didn’t want to invite friends to the house for him to not even interact with them.
We’ve had family parties, with cousins and grandparents. Typically at our house. Just a little get together, have some cake and open some gifts. Even that sometimes for him is overwhelming and he is done before too long. And when I say “done” it usually means getting upset. Starting to cry, maybe having a little meltdown because it’s too much. So we’ve stuck to that so we don’t make him too upset.
That past two, maybe three years we’ve started taking him away for a night to a hotel with a pool and waterslide for his birthday instead. He loves swimming so this is a fun, quieter way to celebrate him.
This year he turned 10 so we really wanted to throw him a party with some friends from school for the first time. I invited a couple of kids I knew have been in his class for a couple of years so they know Ryan. They are nice to him, talk to him at school and include him. So he had some friends plus family there. We decided to have a pool party so that everyone can swim and play and he wouldn’t have to “play” with them he can interact with them in the pool. Then we had a party room for snacks, cake and gifts.
Overall we were pretty happy, Ryan had fun swimming, he had a moment or two in the pool but he swam and had fun the majority of the time. After in the party room he loved everyone singing him Happy Birthday. That’s always his favourite part.
Then when it came time to open some gifts he was getting overwhelmed and started saying “all done” and “time to go home”. We were able to open the gifts but we could tell he was done. It was a lot for him to have that many people around, all in the same room, lots of noise. But we were very happy he did so well. We were so happy for him to have been able to have a birthday party with some friends.
He was upset in the car on the way home. I would describe it as coming down. Letting his emotions out. He tried to bite himself and he was crying a bit but once we got home and he could play with some new toys and stuff he was ok.
We think it was a pretty good day overall.
We were glad Ryan had fun and got to have a party but in the end we will probably stick to taking him away for the night with our family. We know this is his favourite thing and most likely what he would ask for and prefer to do.
I’m sure some people will think we did it more for us then him and maybe that is true but I wanted to give him a typical birthday. Surrounded by people who were there to celebrate him. I wanted him to experience that and then we know if it is something we will do again or not. We like to try to give Ryan “typical” kid experiences just like everyone else. Whether he can do it or not will depend on him, or the day.
One other thing I wanted to say about birthdays is, getting invited to them. Cole has always been invited to other kids parties, he has lots of friends and gets to go and have fun. Ryan on the other hand sadly does not get invited to many.
I don’t think it’s parents purposely excluding him. Most times, invites might get passed out in class and he gets missed if he’s not in there at the time and sometimes some kids may not want him there. He’s also gotten invites and we don’t take him, knowing it may not be the best idea, may not turn out well. If I know the parent I will take him because if I have to leave then I feel comfortable with them knowing why but if it is someone I don’t know I usually avoid it. I don’t want to have the pity looks, the stares, the kids laughing at his behaviour.
He did attend a party of a classmate a couple of years ago and he did great, had fun and I loved seeing him included. But as the kids get older they now can choose who they want and it is more friends instead of just the whole class. I get that but it still makes me sad when Ryan isn’t thought of as a friend they may want to invite.
Maybe one day he will be.
